Too Broken
by BlameItOnTheNaquadah
Summary: My first onesie! This story will hopefully be part of a longer series, all with "Too.." in the title. Yes, I know - just go with it :-) Not beta'd - just a fun short story for your entertainment. What happens when Teal'c and Vala find an intruder in his quarters? Watch in awe as our two favourite aliens' bring mayhem once again to the SGC!


**Too Broken.**

Vala stood on top of the offending piece of equipment, wearing nothing but her black vest top and skimpy gym shorts. She frowned.

"I think that you may be right, Muscles. It doesn't seem right at all."

"I agree." The Jaffa moved away towards the intercom on the wall. "I believe that I will call Sergeant Siler. He will undoubtedly know what to do."

Vala twirled one of her pigtails around her fingers, contemplatively. "And you say that it only just happened? Since we came back off of the mission today?"

"Indeed." Teal'c paused in his ministrations with the intercom. "When we left yesterday morning there did not appear to be anything wrong with it."

"Strange." Vala stepped down, and sat on the floor, cross legged. "I mean, this is the military, isn't it? You'd think that all of their equipment would be of a high standard. I mean, not prone to breaking or coming apart. But then that's the Tau'ri for you – this is a very backward planet after all, Muscles."

"I concur. Back on Chulak such a thing would be almost unthinkable." The intercom crackled and Siler's voice spoke at the other end. There was a brief conversation with Teal'c before he said "I'll be right down."

"Perhaps we should try again?" Vala suggested. "You know – just to make sure. I mean, we don't want Siler coming all the way down here for nothing."

"Agreed. However, I believe that it is most definitely broken. Although you may check, if it is your wish."

Vala stood up again and tossed her hair over her shoulders before wiping her somewhat sweaty forehead with her arm. Then she climbed back onto Teal'c's bed, stood right in the middle of the mattress and proceeded to bounce energetically, as hard as she could, just as if the poor mattress was a trampoline.

A clunking, scraping sound could be heard from underneath the unfortunate piece of furniture.

"Nope," Dropped down backwards she lay flat out, arms and legs spreadeagled in a star shape across the covers. "It's still broken."

Teal'c sighed. "That is unfortunate. It was a most comfortable bed, although I rarely lay down upon it."

"Never mind." Vala propped herself up on her elbows. "Do you have any chocolate, Muscles? Or Jello? Or cake?"

"Indeed." He handed her a bag of chocolate raisins.

His team mate raised an eyebrow at him questioningly.

Teal'c smiled. "I am on a diet."

A knock at the door heralded the arrival of Sergeant Siler.

Teal'c opened it to admit the SGC's legendary mechanic and general handyman.

"So, what's up?" Siler asked, with his gentle lisp.

"My bed is broken," Teal'c stated.

The technician looked surprised. "Really? How'd that happen?"

There was a short pause - two aliens cast a guilty look at each other.

"I am unsure," Teal'c replied.

Siler approached the bed, jiggling an enormous wrench with one hand. He tapped it against the bed frame, before kneeling down and peering below. A few seconds later and the two conspiratators watched as he crawled part way underneath.

Vala paused in her scoffing of Teal'c's raisins and leaned across the bed. Poking her head over the edge she looked down at Siler, who was by now tapping and fiddling with the metal frame beneath her. "Can you see where it's broken?"

He wriggled awkwardly before propping himself up onto one elbow. "Looks like a couple of the slats have bent and dropped out of their mountings. Kind of strange. Did you notice it before? I mean, did it happen suddenly?"

Again, the two aliens shared a sheepish look.

"Quite suddenly," Vala replied, after a moment. She peered back at Siler and flashed one of her wide, dazzling smiles, in the hope that it would distract him.

It worked. He blushed faintly and struggled back out again. "Well, I'd best go and get my tools and fixings. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Leaving his wrench on the bed Siler exited the room and headed for the equipment store.

After a moment Teal'c turned to Vala. "I believe that we may be, as GeneralO'Neill often says, busted."

"Ah, pfffft!" she waved her hands at him. "Don't be silly, darling, he's got no proof! We'll get away with it, no problem."

The smaller alien eyed the source of their current misadventure – a large spider who sat, immovable, in the angle of Teal'c's bedroom wall, directly above his pillows. Contemplating throwing a shoe at the mini beast, Vala looked around the room.

"Perhaps I should have one last try?" Teal'c's voice interrupted her thoughts. "It is not possible for us to do much more damage to this piece of furniture. And if we do, SergeantSiler will believe that he merely missed noticing it on his first inspection."

Yes, why not?" Vala agreed. She stood up on the bed again, and gave a tentative bounce. "It seems to be holding up okay at the moment. Do it, Muscles!"

Teal'c also climbed onto the unfortunate piece of furniture. He stood on the pillows, holding a long back scratcher in one hand.

"Careful that you don't squash the poor thing," Vala reminded him, feeling suddenly tender hearted.

Teal'c looked impassively over his shoulder at her. "He is an intruder in my quarters, ValaMalDoran. I will eliminate him by any means necessary."

"No!" His female partner in crime scrambled up and began climbing onto the Jaffa's back. "We'll have to do it like we did before then, darling. Seems rather brutal just to take him for a downer with no reason."

"I believe the correct phrase is 'take him down'," Teal'c corrected her.

Vala didn't reply apart from a "Hmmmnnnff," as she pushed up onto her friend's shoulders before swinging her legs over them. "Now." Smoothing down her tank top she settled into a comfortable position. "Hand me the back thingy please."

Teal'c obliged, before beginning to bounce heavily on the mattress again.

Vala held the back scratcher aloft, swinging it somewhat erratically, in time with her associate's energetic springs. One, two, three…

On the fourth bounce there was a large cracking sound, causing Teal'c to stagger as the whole mattress tilted to one side and the bed frame collapsed.

Vala toppled wildly, arms flailing, and let out a startled squeak. She dropped the backscratcher, which clattered to the floor.

Two strong arms swung to catch hold of her tumbling body.

"Nice catch, Muscles," she grinned.

He inclined his head before depositing her upright on the floor.

Both of them surveyed the damaged bed.

"Do you not think that we are busted now, ValaMalDoran?" Teal'c asked, gloomily.

Blue/grey eyes swirling speculatively, the ex-space pirate tapped her chin. "Daniel has some special glue in his office, we could borrow that! I'll go now and get it – he won't notice that it's even gone. He never notices anything."

"We do not have enough time," Teal'c told her. "SergeantSiler will return imminently."

Vala bit her lip. "Then we really will get into trouble. They'll say it was my fault. They always say it's my fault." She looked downhearted.

"On the contrary, I will 'come clean' as the Tau'ri say," Teal'c reassured her, laying his hand on her arm. "It _is_ my bed after all."

They were interrupted by Siler coming back into the room. He stopped abruptly, catching sight of the now very sad-looking bed which stood at a crazy angle in front of him. "Um….," he began.

"It collapsed in your absence," Teal'c told him smoothly.

"Right…" the technician's voice trailed off uncertainly as he looked up at the large Jaffa, who stood, hands clasped behind his back, the veritable picture of innocence.

Vala sat down in the chair, crossing her legs one over the other. "It's true," she said, earnestly.

What is it the Tau'ri children do when they want to excuse themselves from telling a lie? She thought. Oh yes! Vala crossed her fingers, then folded her arms across her chest so that Siler couldn't see her hands. "We don't know what happened. Shoddy workmanship, I would say."

Siler knelt down and began to rummage about in his tool bag, pulling out nuts and bolts and screwdrivers. He ducked back under the bed. "Er – Teal'c? Could you – er – would you mind lifting the bed up please on the other side? So that I can try and take the rest of the frame out?"

"Of course." The Jaffa obliged with ease, as Siler swiftly undid the screws which held the broken slats in place. One of the metal rods had completely snapped in two. The side bar of the bed, which had supported the unlucky slats and which Teal'c was now holding, had a huge dent in it.

Siler muttered to himself. "Have to get another pole – there's one in Wood's den – can use that – have to knock that out first though – where's the hammer?"

After only a few minutes he'd managed to get the three bent and one broken slats off of the rest of the frame and proceeded to begin whacking the remaining dents out.

Vala glanced up at the ceiling. She caught Teal'c's eye and nodded upwards.

The cause of all the mayhem was creeping slowly towards her, along the line of the ceiling and wall. She raised her eyebrows and indicated the eight legged beastie with her head.

Teal'c also looked up. He watched contemplatively as the creature inched it's way along. One warrior against another, he was thinking.

Siler wiped his brow and stood. "I'm just going to fetch a length of metal which I think will be suitable to replace this broken one." He waved the useless, snapped pieces of slat vaguely before exiting the room.

Vala waited two seconds. "Quick! Backscratcher!" She stood on the chair, pointing.

Teal'c picked their weapon of choice back up of the floor and prepared for her to get back up on his shoulders. A few seconds later and the two of them were very precariously balanced on the edge of the sadly abused bed frame.

Vala swung the backscratcher even more wildly than before. "Nearly!" she hissed. She stretched up as far as she could. The spider was right there – right next to the end of the implement – she tried to push higher on Teal'c shoulders…

"What are you doing?" Daniel's voice interrupted them.

Teal'c turned abruptly, losing his balance on the narrow piece of metal where he stood.

Vala lurched, the backscratcher went flying across the room again.

Daniel ducked as it sailed over his head, then grabbed his team mate as she tumbled sideways off of the Jaffa's shoulders.

Vala landed very inelegantly in his embrace. "Hello darling," she said, wrapping her own arms about his shoulders and snuggling in.

Siler entered, having forgotten to take his measuring tape with him. He slipped on the abandoned backscratcher, hurtled forward and tripped over the edge of the bed. Staggering, he landed hard on the newly aligned metal, smashing his glasses in the process and cutting the top of his nose.

The bed frame wobbled before creakily tilting back to it's wonky angle.

"Oh dear," Vala said, apologetically, still in Daniel's arms. "Sorry Siler, darling."

Teal'c handed the poor technician a bundle of tissues to hold against his profusely bleeding nose.

"Not a problem," Siler mumbled, somewhat incoherently from behind all of the paper handkerchiefs. "It must have been my fault, leaving the bed only part unbolted. We'll get you a new one."

"Thank you." Teal'c inclined his head. "I will take you to Dr Lam," and carefully guiding the technician by his elbow he began to shepherd him from the room.

Daniel was not unaware of the grin which passed between the two aliens. "So – er – are you going to tell me what's been going on?" he asked again, curiously.

Vala planted a small kiss on his cheek. Eyes twinkling, she looked across at Teal'c. "Siler broke Muscles' bed, that's what's been going on!"

Daniel narrowed his eyes, then shook his head. Aliens. Sometimes he just couldn't work them out!

The unfortunate Siler was taken by Teal'c to the infirmary, where he waited for Carolyn to find yet another large plaster to put across his nose, and to requisition a new pair of spectacles.

Teal'c himself went off to the gym for a sparring match with Mitchell. The Jaffa could be heard humming cheerfully to himself as he walked along.

Daniel managed to extricate himself from Vala, albeit reluctantly, before taking her away from the shattered ruins of what had been their friend's bed and plying her with ice cream in the mess hall.

The room subsided into silence.

The spider, alone again, crept back to where she had begun her adventure, above Teal'c's pillow, and resumed building her web. And if spiders could grin, that's what she was doing.

**The End!**


End file.
